Did you know that one of the main reasons why parents don’t ask their children, “How am I doing as a parent?” is that they don’t want to hear they’re not doing it well? Some of them worry about and are afraid of hearing, “You suck!” This is the very reason why many leaders don’t ask their people how their leadership is being experienced. It can be scary.

A Tough Pill to Swallow

The truth is, whether we are doing it “right” or not — or somewhere in between — the employee’s story is going on with or without the leader knowing.

Leaders can only get to better if they know with clarity and accuracy the impact they are having on their people. Therefore, we need all leaders to be as open as possible to feedback on the experiences of their staff and the impacts of their leadership —and all of it: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

All leaders must be open to feedback

This may be the number one reason for dropping the Good Boss–Bad Boss dichotomy. These labels add little value and are more harmful than helpful.

Thank You, Leaders and Aspiring Leaders

The road to great leadership is not easy. Leaders who are working to be better know this already. It is for this reason that all leaders should be acknowledged and appreciated more often.

So, I’d like to take a moment to do that.

Thank you for committing your time, energy, and lives to developing the capacities of others to feel better, do better, and just be better overall. You can never be thanked enough. Your dedication to the betterment of others is not merely a job; it’s a calling.

Leaders and Leadership – Two Different Things

Unfortunately, when we affirm and celebrate all leaders, it’s not uncommon for people to roll their eyes. In fact, it’s more common for people to take the opportunity to comment on the “bad leaders” or the “bad bosses” they have experienced, witnessed, or heard about. As a matter of fact, my team and I used to be those people; we were on a crusade to rid all systems of “bad managers.”

We have come to realize that complaining about leaders and buying into the Good Boss­–Bad Boss debate so prevalent today is not helpful at all. As a matter of fact, we believe that blaming leaders is one of the biggest impediments to improving leadership and all the great things that come with it!

Leaders are people. Leadership is a practice.

Differentiating the leader (person) from the leadership (practice) is an essential step in separating the human from the behavior and the intentions from the impact. It’s a crucial move for minimizing and eliminating the blame and subsequent guilt and shame felt by leaders who are trying their best and fear hearing that those best efforts are “bad.”

At Brivia, we have interviewed more than 10,000 leaders and 100% of them state that they want the best for their people, to develop their leadership skills, and to be successful. I have never met a leader that wakes up in the morning and thinks, “How can I mess things up for my people today? How can I be the biggest source of stress for them at work and in their life?”

It’s Not Leaders, It’s Their Leadership

Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, many people do not experience the positive impact of their leader’s good intentions. This is one of the biggest leadership dilemmas of our time.

We call this the intent­–impact gap. Every leader has one — it’s the gap that exists between their intention and the impact they are having on or with their people. Sometimes the gap is small and sometimes it can be a chasm, almost Grand-Canyon-like. Our work at Brivia, and my research on The CORE Algorithm, has uncovered that most gaps are unknown, unintentional, and very unfortunate.

Blaming leaders is not helpful

Everyone can remember being blamed for something they did that they intended to be a positive thing. It doesn’t feel good. It is not affirming or validating. It contributes to an experience of hurt, confusion, anxiety, and even anger — it can evoke feelings of shame and guilt, often leading to defensive or dismissive reactions.

Rarely, if ever, do blaming and shaming create an openness for learning. Even less helpful are the times when we hear, from a second or third party, that people were blaming or complaining about a behaviour (and the impact) of ours that we did not intend or were not even aware of. Ouch — it stings!

We know about the importance of psychological safety for employees: to be comfortable, to share honestly, to take risks, to be open to feedback, and to be forthcoming about needs and goals for development. Shouldn’t we offer the same for leaders? I argue that we must.

Leaders must feel safe to be open to feedback

Name the Approach

As leaders, we are more open to consider our leadership practice when we feel safe, valued, and supported. We are not open when we are feeling criticized, judged, or blamed as a person; especially when it feels as though our character, integrity, or dignity is under attack.

Therefore, it is critical to separate the person from the practice and focus on the behavior we are most concerned about. Don’t blame the leader — simply name the leadership practice and the behaviors we would prefer; those that are more in line with the positive intentions of the leader.

The leader is not the problem. It is the practice of leadership, or a specific behaviour of the approach that requires improvement.

Soft on people and hard on practice

Why This is So Important

Leaders are the most important resource for minimizing negative outcomes and promoting positive developments. Leaders operate as the number one mechanism for mediating great communication, enhanced engagement, supportive culture, better outcomes, and employee wellness.

Unfortunately, leaders are reporting that they are more overwhelmed and exhausted than ever. Blaming them as people will only make the current state for leaders and their teams worse, not better.

Let’s stop blaming people and start naming the practice.

Getting to Better

Here are five simple things we can do to help:

1. Distinguish the person as leader from the practice of leadership. Consider the leader’s positive intention, not just the impact.
2. Focus on what leaders are doing well and acknowledge those practices.
3. Thank leaders more often.
4. Encourage leaders to regularly review and connect with their purpose and intentions.

If you're a leader and are interested in bridging the intent-impact gap, check out The CORE Leader Score, a tool built to assess and develop quality leadership practice.

Feel free to check out some of the best communication programs on the planet, Responsive Communication for Health and Human Services and CORE Communication for our private business and corporate friends.

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Stephen de Groot is President and Co-Founder of Brivia.

He is author of Responsive Leadership (Sage Publication, 2016) and Chief Architect of The CORE Algorithm: A Dynamic Framework for Optimizing Human Potential, Performance and Perseverance.

Learn more about Stephen de Groot and his work.